Today has been a blur. I didn’t sleep well last night, some medicine that I am on for my shoulder makes me nauseous so I was up all night sick, and then my sister and niece needed a ride to the doctors this morning, so I had to go “sit” my grandmother. That is real rough with no sleep. I fell asleep within 15 minutes of my hind end hitting the couch. I slept from 9am – 115pm and then got up took a shower and am now at work. My life sucks! I really need to get different hours, and a different schedule — WAIT I did… I start a new job in two weeks. Thanks goodness. My body is rebelling and not liking the 330-1200 schedule anymore.
Also on a more personal note, a month ago a friend freaked out on me, and decided that he no longer wanted to be my friend. I still mourn the loss of that friendship, but understand that he is going through a rough time and am trying to give him some space. However, I ran across a funny email yesterday, and I sent it to him with a little note stating that I hope he is well and that I still miss talking with him — and I guess today I was hoping for something back from him. But of course nothing. I feel stupid for missing a friendship that was new and still in its infancy, but I felt like we clicked. I am a nerd at heart, and I am a geek by nature. He is too. I am older, he is younger, but that didn’t seem to be an issue in regards to our conversations or time hanging out. I think that he thought that I wanted more from the friendship than I did and he freaked, or he felt like I was pushing for more. But I wasn’t. I was just enjoying his company and his friendship. So anyways, now I sit and think about things that I think are funny that no one else gets, and it makes me miss his humor, and such. I don’t want him to think that I am stalking him or anything, but maybe it is the carelessness of it all, like my friendship meant so little to him that it was easy to throw away. I don’t give it to people that easily.
But I am a survivor, and onwards and upwards as they say. I just am melancholy at the fact that it was just reinforced today that my gift of friendship meant so little. Maybe it always did, and that is why I have so few true friends. I will get over it, and will learn from this experience, but at what cost? How does it affect your next relationship with other people when someone treats you so callously? When my ex treated me in this manner, it took years for me to get over it, and in some ways I am not sure that I ever will get over it. I am still in therapy over my severe distrust and control issues. I feel like I will never make headway in that area. And with this fresh insult, it makes me even more scared to try again to really put myself out there, even if just for friendship only.
You know, being depressed is not fun … I wish today was over so I could start from scratch.
